I woke today up with a sense of moya-moya, as it’s called in Japanese. This is a feeling like "There’s something wrong... but I can’t quite pin it down... what it is exactly."
It was 4 am when I woke up, and I had this sense of “I’m not getting enough done, and maybe I’m too late. By the time I do finish, it won’t be in time or something bad is going to happen, because, I’m not as productive as I used to be.”
That's this feeling, this moya-moya that I was feeling today, but it comes in many different senses. It’s really interesting because today this sense comes from a positive change that’s happened in me, in the world, and in the way I view my personal life and my work life.
Before I was able to really put aside everybody else’s feelings and everything that was sort of real in my personal life, and just focus maniacally on my work. I was able to just get on the computer and bang out my work hour after hour, day after day, completely oblivious to the fact that my life was not all about work.
This seemed really good because I could be very productive in my work space, but the effects that it had in my personal life were very difficult. If Hisami needed something in the moment and interrupted me, I was frustrated because I felt like "I am working here" and "leave me alone".
If somebody called or if somebody was late with something, or if there was a personal need in my life, I just couldn’t really deal with it. I was just in the space of focusing on work and that's all I can do. Everything else - my family or friends or pets - were basically interruptions into this ever-important workspace that I had.
This is the kind of the old way of thinking, and it wasn’t very healthy (obviously) because it led to a disconnect with the people around me. And ultimately in the big picture of my life, although I was always busy getting stuff done, I wasn’t really enjoying my personal life. Even though I was disconnected and had ongoing frustration, that's just how things were. It's what I considered healthy before.
This is shifting for me now as I’m working with Spirit Mind - my wife Hisami’s work. My consciousness is changing such that I am more aware of everything around me. So instead of being able to maniacally focus on my work, I notice the energy that's natural for the day. Like yesterday, for example, our daughter brought home a newborn baby (yay!). So instead of working, we were getting the space ready for her. Hisami was making meals and I was doing little things like cleaning the house and taking care of the animals, and so on.
There were just a lot of things that needed my attention that were not work-based. Earlier, this would have been very frustrating because I need to focus on work. I have a lot of things that I really want to get done. And part of me still thinks that’s why I have this moya-moya "something’s wrong" kind of feeling. I think "I’m not getting enough done and that’s why this feeling comes up."
But the reason why it's coming up is that I’m already paying more attention to the outside world, and I’m giving my energy, attention and love where it needs to be in the moment. I don’t want to be distracted by work and just buried in my work all the time.
Sometimes Hisami needs something from me in the moment, and that’s okay, right?
Sometimes life has an event that I want to show up for. That’s also okay, right?
These are all signs of progress.
But some part of my mind still compares the numbers.
So, how many hours did I work?
How many things did I get done?
And it’s less than it was before.
And this is okay too.
This is the part that I’ve been struggling with. The new sense of balance that I'm finding in the new energy is at odds with the metrics that I made for myself before about what I should be doing or how I should be performing when my head is stuck in my work zone.
So it's really funny and I'm sharing this because I’ve noticed a lot of my entrepreneurial friends in particular are going through the same thing. They are feeling down or depressed or insecure about their own capabilities now because they’re sensing this broader perspective, and they are actually integrating better into the world around them, like I am.
So this progress that we’re making isn’t being recognized by our egos. It’s being seen as a step backward instead of a step forward, which is what it really is.
And it's fun when I had this realisation, I noticed "Ahh….this feeling that I’m having is because I’m growing in a beautiful way, and because I’m more balanced in my life, and because I’m happier than I was before. I’m more attentive to the world around me, and I’m more in my life too, rather than separate from my life and buried in my work."
When I realized this, the feeling of dread or anxiety disappeared. And, I was left with a feeling of joy that I’m changing.
Even though it’s uncomfortable and even though it’s new to me, I’m excited about this new mode of things. And I’m really hoping that everybody else starts having that sense too because if we stay stuck in this feeling of dread, it can go on and on and on. And honestly, it’s never going to change.
I’m not going to go back to the place where I can just bury myself in work regardless of what anybody else needs or what is happening in my personal life.
I’m never going back there and I don’t want to, so I only have two choices: I can continue to have my ego stuck on this old way and feel frustrated by my new progress.
I can just let that go and say "I am happy about my growth and the way I’m living my life right now. When I zoom out and look at the big picture, this is exactly where I want to be!"