I was reminded yesterday how wonderful and scary love is all at the same time.
Hisami was leaving to go on a five-day retreat with a friend of hers to relax, unwind, and reconnect.
It's so rare that Hisami and I are apart. Usually, if we're apart, I'm traveling somewhere on business and she's at home. This is the first time where she's left without me.
And I'm at home with the dogs, myself, my thoughts, emotions, and so on. Leading up to this, I noticed that fears were coming up, and my mind started going to irrational things like, “Oh, what if she doesn't come back?”
I know that she's coming back, I have confidence in that.
If I look at the energy, I can see that. But it doesn't matter what we think logically, our emotions just are what they are.
So we just had fun with it. Every day I would ask her “So you're coming back, right? And there's not going to be a train crash, right? And there's not going to be an earthquake?”
I was chuckling at myself because these are the kinds of things Hisami asks me before I go on a trip. On the other hand, when I am leaving for a trip, I always say, “Oh, everything's going to be fine, no problem.”
Because all my focus and attention energy is going somewhere and doing something new, I’m not really in a space of reflection. I'm in a space of new adventure, right?
So this is different for me to be the person at home in that space of reflection.
So yesterday I took Hisami to the train station. She drops off, I give her a wave, we're smiling and, then as I start to drive away, the tears just come out of nowhere. There's no emotion or reason with it. It's just some kind of sorrow. I flashed back to the reason why I married Hisami when I knew 100% that I wanted to marry Hisami.
I was leaving for a trip to Europe for a month-long teaching tour in Europe. I was waving to her from the train here in Tokyo and the train left. I was feeling bright and excited that I was with Hisami. We've been together for about seven months and I was feeling really good.
As soon as the train started to move away, boom, this huge emotion hit, I was just crying and I was just new at that moment. I never want to have this feeling again when I realize that I'm not coming home today. I'm not going to see her this evening.
That's when I knew I needed to marry Hisami. I actually rearranged my European schedule and I flew back a few weeks later, proposed to her, we married at the end of the week and then I flew back to finish my tour in Europe. So, for me, these emotions are very real.
But what I noticed yesterday was that boom, this happened again. One, I'm feeling it, but I also just feel joy that I still have this love for my wife. After 14 years, I feel the same way I felt before we got married. I never want to be apart from her. I just love her that much.
I came home and more sorrow started coming up. Again, I was really surprised. I was doing other things. I wasn't thinking anything, but all of a sudden I started crying.
I was like, “Ok, this is just deep sorrow.” Just sobbing, some crying and I let it out. I did what you might expect an energy worker to do you - I grounded, I ran my energy. I used a rose.
OK, I'm lying here. I didn't do any of those things. Right?
For me, energy work is just an ongoing part of life. If there's something that's out of balance that I need to change, I might reach for my energy work tools.
But everyday life is not something that requires those from me very often.
So in everyday life, something that comes up including when big emotions are coming out and there's no story behind them. I'm just sobbing.
I know that this is energy releasing and this is emotions and it's ok. I don't need to fix it or do anything. I just roll with it.
After a minute or so, the energy and emotions subside naturally. I'm like, “Whoa, that was intense.” I never expected this kind of response to my wife leaving for a few days.
But again, I'm grateful for this and it happened maybe two or three times.
And so I took a little time off from work.
I just edged out and enjoyed the day at home with the dogs.
I realized that this deep sorrow had nothing to do with Hisami being gone at this moment. This deep sorrow has to do with the distance, the unnecessary distance that I have between me and Hisami in our everyday life.
So I'm with her every day. But a lot of my focus and attention is on other things. Either I'm focused on work or we're both tired. So, we're just watching movies on our ipads, watching different movies in different languages.
The sorrow that I'm somehow having her be gone, made me realize that I'm not connecting with her as deeply as I want in everyday life. I'm not saying that in a way that makes it as deep as it actually is.
The feeling is more like I'm missing out. I’m not wasting my time, but I'm missing the opportunity with this person I love so dearly who's here every single day with me. I don't step into that opportunity to deeply connect as often as I want.
I want to be in that all the time.
I want to honor that and live that.
That's why I'm with Hisami. I'm not actually with her so we could make programs and teach together, right?
That's something that we can also do, but we're together because we love each other. And I haven't found this deep connection with anybody else.
I've had deep connections but never at this level that I have with Hisami.
So just a fun reminder that love is both scary and wonderful and that it's ok to have emotions. I don't have to fix them, or reach for anything. The longer that I sit with them and just let things move, the deeper and deeper the insights get. And it is so wonderful.
