Last night, I was reminded that self -reflection, while very deep, can also miss the
obvious, sometimes.
I was practicing my Japanese with Isami, and I was picking something that I really
wanted to learn how to say better. So I chose kind of a deep topic. I told her,
"Ah, this year, I really want to get over my paranoia or fear that somehow you're
gonna leave me. I was telling her that you know twice this year I'd been
overwhelmed by this feeling or this dread or fear and it made me feel like I
couldn't do anything or that I couldn't move. And her response was really funny.
She said, "Oh, what do you mean you can't And I said, "Oh,
well, it feels like I can't do anything or I can't like move any energy." And she
said, "Well, except anger, right? You're able to move that just fine in that
situation, right?"
And she was smiling at me and I started laughing and I was like, "Ah, she's
totally right. She's totally right. It's not the fear that's causing me to feel like
I can't move. it's this sudden desire to like blame the world the sort of anger or
outward -facing energy that starts circulating within me When I feel cornered when I
feel afraid in that situation this energy starts moving within me and I start
looking for who's to blame and of course, it's not me and it's not my fault And
so it's really fun. I realized that, ah, this even this deepest thought I had,
where I thought I'd identified something, was missing the even deeper core piece.
And reflecting with somebody else, somebody that I love, that loves me, that cares
about me, gave me the opportunity to see what was so obviously missing from my own
perspective. And this was a powerful reminder to me that even though, Of course I
want to trust my inner feeling and my own intuition and my own insights about my
feelings and about the world that there's always other perspectives too. It's always
worth listening to others from compassion and love and letting their message come
into and integrate with that deeper feeling within. It was also a nice reminder from
me that being humble is required. I can't listen to somebody else.
I can't receive the gifts that they're giving me if my ego is in play. If it
wants to continue that idea that it's not my fault, there's nothing wrong with me.
I have nothing to learn. You know that kind of defensiveness that our ego naturally
puts up. If that's in place, I can't hear the deeper truth that other people offer.
But When that defense is down and I'm just connecting in a heartfelt way,
even a message that I didn't necessarily want to hear can come in really gracefully.
It can help me see a deeper insight about myself. I love that.
