I was reminded today that sometimes self -awareness can feel like torture.
And I say this because I'm going through a period right now where my body is
struggling a little bit, probably with some hormone balance, or I don't know what's
happening. My wife says I'm probably going through menopause, and I'm not sleeping as
well as I'm used to. I'm having thoughts go through my head over and over and
over. And even though I'm self -aware enough to know that what's happening is
internal, that something's out of balance within me just temporarily, my material mind
can't stop at trying to point the blame at somewhere else. It's that thing over
there that happened or something somebody said or my circumstances. There's some
reason why this is happening to me rather than rather than the truth that I know
from within is that this is something I'm experiencing. This is just part of life.
We always have ups and downs. Our body goes through different things, and we can't
really control it completely, right? Of course, we can adapt our diet and sleep
habits and exercise and those things and meditate, you know, and help, but we can't
really enforce and enforce our body to be in a great state all the time. And
Today, as I'm going through this, like I said, I'm aware of what's happening, but I
also have this deep urge to respond from this defensive posture, from this sort of
racing mind posture, from this idea that something outside is happening. And even
though I'm trying my best to curb that desire, because I know that it's something
happening inside, It leaves me feeling pulled between these two different realities.
One reality that my mind is making up at trying to interpret the world in a way
that makes me look good, makes me not the cause of anything, you know,
makes me the hero in my own story, right? That's kind of how our brains work. And
at the same time, it's also trying to make me the victim. You know, if things
aren't going wrong, it's not my fault it's somebody else and I'm the victim of it.
And I'm pulled between that mind that's naturally doing that. It does that for all
of us. And the deep knowing this and self -awareness within that this has nothing to
do with all those outside circumstances. This is something my body's going through
right now. And I'm actually in my car right now. I'm sitting outside the Chinese
doctor's office where I'm going to get a little compo to, you know, help kind of
balance things back out and You know, and that's that's the positive action go
forward But this struggling side is so difficult like said it feels like torture
sometimes But I would say that it's better than the alternative So self -awareness
and even in times where self -awareness means I'm aware that I'm struggling and I'm
aware that I'm not doing so good with the struggle And you know, I want to be
doing better, but I'm not, you know, today I'm right here. This kind of self
-awareness is still better than the alternative, which is to believe all those stories
my material mind is making up, to actually believe wholeheartedly that whatever the
circumstances are or maybe something somebody said or something that happened that was
outside my control, believing that that's why I'm feeling grumpy, believing that
that's why, You know, I'm feeling, you know, my mind racing, you know, because when
we believe our material mind stories, it's so easy to get stuck.
It's easy to lash out at other people. It's easy to say things that we regret
later. I'm certainly guilty of that. And it's easy to forget the self -awareness that
we all have that, okay, I can take a few deep breaths, I can ground myself, I can
bring my awareness to the center of my head, I can be present, I can go exercise,
I can take a nap, I can take a bath, I can take a day off, you know, whatever
it takes to let enough time pass so that I'm safe to be communicating with people
I love, right? Because this state is not safe, you know,
the things that come out of your mouth, come out of my mouth in situations like
this, are always things I regret, right? Now, it's funny. So today, he saw me as
actually a little different in this way. So he saw me as my wife and she turns
into energy and today I was telling her when she got up and I was eating
breakfast, kind of in a hurry because I'm trying to get over the doctor's office
and get this Chinese medicine and I'm telling her, "Oh man, my brain is just crazy
day every thought that I have happens a hundred times instead of one time and it's
just obsessing over things and I know I know why I know that my body is out of
balance but I can't stop it and it's driving me crazy and he saw me I just love
her so much she is totally okay with this she can see that I'm struggling can she
can see that I'm grumpy or you know she can see that I'm trying to you know
figure out who to blame for it even though know it's me, know it's my body, just
something I'm going through. And none of that bothers her. She's just really excited
to communicate honestly with me, right? I'm telling her how I'm feeling and even
though I'm struggling, that honest communication makes her feel good, makes her feel
close to me. She has no judgment over what's happening with my body and what I'm
going through in that level. She's just there to support me. She's like, Okay, yeah,
I'm glad you're getting to take care of it. And like I said, she was joking. She
goes, you know, it sounds just like menopause. She said, you know, I went through
that for a couple of years. She said, not sleeping as well and having that go on.
She said, yes, it's terrible. I can relate and sympathize with you. So I just
wanted to share this because, you know, I know that a lot of us, a lot of you
are going through this too. Not my specific situation, but Having that struggle
between these two minds, you know the the part of you that is trying to interpret
the world make you the hero or make you the victim or both and
You know trying to pretend that that's true, right? And if you're listening this
you're also into self -help and personal growth and self -awareness and So you also
have that part of you that knows that that mind is not true, right? Even though
some parts may be true, there might be circumstances where people said things they
didn't like or did things they didn't like, but the level of response that you're
going through is two times, ten times, a hundred times louder than is needed for
the situation at hand. In fact, with me personally, this response level is so high
sometimes that I know I just need to not respond. I need to either say something
really short or just say thank you and then try to step aside and let the moment
pass, let my body get through this. Never takes more than a day or so before it's
like, "Ah, I'm back." And encourage you to do the same thing, give yourself a
break, take time off because when we believe the stories that our mind makes up is
when we have regrets. I've never regretted something that Came from my heart that
came from love and ever regretted Being compassionate or waiting or taking a break,
but I'm there's lots of times where I've regretted Acting from this space of
frustration, you know where my mind is whirling and just even if I fire off
something That doesn't sound so bad. The energy is there with it the energy of my
frustration goes with the message and people receive that and you want to keep that
in mind because this is the fastest way to do damage and create stress in your
relationships and at work and with your friends and loved ones is by continuing to
circulate this energy of discomfort or frustration or whatever it is that you're
experiencing inside to continue to circulate that with others. So this is kind of a
call, just a reminder to myself and to you to let this be an internal struggle and
feel free to communicate to others like I do with isami like I'm really struggling
right now this is driving me crazy but don't pretend that it's true and it has to
do with anybody else that's my tip for the day
